Owww! Ow Ow!

At approximately 1500hrs this afternoon, a person or persons unknown operated a temporal distortion device in the vicinity of our offices in Stockport. While my colleagues and I were frozen in time, these malicious entities hit me repeatedly about the shoulders with a large blunt instrument, leading to my present situation, whereby I suffer considerable discomfort whenever I attempt to turn my head or perform complex shoulder movements.

Well, that's the best explanation I can come up with, given that I've undertaken no serious physical exertions in the last 72 hours.