Just Seen: Van Helsing
2004-05-11 23:33![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blufive[IMDB]
Gabriel Van Helsing works for a secret order1, protecting the world from evil creatures. Today's mission is to take down Count Dracula, who is chewing the scenery so much that someone needs to rescue Transylvania while there's any of it left2 plotting nefarious deeds involving werewolves and the lab equipment he stole from Dr Frankenstein.
As a side-effect, killing the Count will rescue from eternal damnation a good looking babe in an outfit totally unsuitable for any sort of physical exertion whatsoever family of tireless warriors for the forces of good. Cue much CGI-heavy vampire-battling action.
Van Helsing is silly. Really silly. I mean, some people think Charlie's Angels 2 was ridiculous, but that's just peanuts compared to Van Helsing3.
Attempts to take this movie seriously won't last more than thirty seconds. Half the cast spend their time wrestling with ludicrous "eastern european" accents that impose a contractural obligation on me to mention Dick Van Dyke. Most of the action scenes make WWE look like a paragon of restrained realism4 and over-the-top acting is obviously an inescapable side-effect of vampirism.
From all this, you might get the idea that I hated it - I didn't. It has its moments. A lot of the humour just about works - credit is due to David Wenham as the comedy sidekick, who goes above and beyond the call of duty in his attempts to rescue bad lines with good delivery - and things keep charging along at a decent pace.
It also has its anti-moments. There's at least one pass-the-sick-bucket sequence the likes of which I haven't seen in years. The special effects work is decidedly variable, and some of the exposition is clumsy - though it's considerably better than the sort of unexplained, pointless, runaround that blighted the Matrix sequels.
Overall, it's quite fun really, but suffers many of the same flaws that afflicted the director's earlier "The Mummy Returns". Someone needs to convince Stephen Sommers that "more" and "bigger" does not always make "better".
Van Helsing has many features which would make it excellent fodder for Mystery Science Theatre 3000. It's partially rescued by the fact that the makers knew this, and (not entirely successfully) played into it.
1Despite being based in the Vatican, this order is cross-denominational ("How many boxes can we tick on this list of major world religions in 30 seconds of screen time?") and has a "Q" Division in the basement.
2Imagine Kai from Lexx, if he were to be surgically implanted with a melodramatic overacting gland big enough for an entire cast of mortal actors. There is much Revelling In Evilness.
3Apologies to DNA.
4Well, okay, WWE does have the laws of physics to worry about. Technicalities!
Gabriel Van Helsing works for a secret order1, protecting the world from evil creatures. Today's mission is to take down Count Dracula, who is chewing the scenery so much that someone needs to rescue Transylvania while there's any of it left2 plotting nefarious deeds involving werewolves and the lab equipment he stole from Dr Frankenstein.
As a side-effect, killing the Count will rescue from eternal damnation a good looking babe in an outfit totally unsuitable for any sort of physical exertion whatsoever family of tireless warriors for the forces of good. Cue much CGI-heavy vampire-battling action.
Van Helsing is silly. Really silly. I mean, some people think Charlie's Angels 2 was ridiculous, but that's just peanuts compared to Van Helsing3.
Attempts to take this movie seriously won't last more than thirty seconds. Half the cast spend their time wrestling with ludicrous "eastern european" accents that impose a contractural obligation on me to mention Dick Van Dyke. Most of the action scenes make WWE look like a paragon of restrained realism4 and over-the-top acting is obviously an inescapable side-effect of vampirism.
From all this, you might get the idea that I hated it - I didn't. It has its moments. A lot of the humour just about works - credit is due to David Wenham as the comedy sidekick, who goes above and beyond the call of duty in his attempts to rescue bad lines with good delivery - and things keep charging along at a decent pace.
It also has its anti-moments. There's at least one pass-the-sick-bucket sequence the likes of which I haven't seen in years. The special effects work is decidedly variable, and some of the exposition is clumsy - though it's considerably better than the sort of unexplained, pointless, runaround that blighted the Matrix sequels.
Overall, it's quite fun really, but suffers many of the same flaws that afflicted the director's earlier "The Mummy Returns". Someone needs to convince Stephen Sommers that "more" and "bigger" does not always make "better".
Van Helsing has many features which would make it excellent fodder for Mystery Science Theatre 3000. It's partially rescued by the fact that the makers knew this, and (not entirely successfully) played into it.
1Despite being based in the Vatican, this order is cross-denominational ("How many boxes can we tick on this list of major world religions in 30 seconds of screen time?") and has a "Q" Division in the basement.
2Imagine Kai from Lexx, if he were to be surgically implanted with a melodramatic overacting gland big enough for an entire cast of mortal actors. There is much Revelling In Evilness.
3Apologies to DNA.
4Well, okay, WWE does have the laws of physics to worry about. Technicalities!
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no subject
Date: 2004-05-12 00:17 (UTC)